i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Holy sore nipples Batman
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
