My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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