For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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