I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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