Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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