Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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