how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
