mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I want a musical about memes.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize