Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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