My underwear smells like fireworks.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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