Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize