she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
