I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
