I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
