i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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