I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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