so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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