Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
