Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
