if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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