Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it hurts more in the daytime
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
