I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm like, not good at living.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
