We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
