meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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