Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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