I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
