he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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