I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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