either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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