Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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