i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
