im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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