Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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