Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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