My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
