on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
