Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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