im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
