i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
