but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
