I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
