The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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