the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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