I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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