I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize