I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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