Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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