suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
