Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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