Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
