Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
