My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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