I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
