I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
