Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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