he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
