OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
