I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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