What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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