I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
