the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
