Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
