Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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