Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
