And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
