I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
