also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
